In one of my prior blogs, I began discussing the tendency, of some husbands, to develop or invoke their “fleeing mentality”, when marital situations become difficult. As always, I want to speak from own experience. In my earlier years of marriage, I suffered from this fleeing mentality. What is a fleeing mentality? My own definition: Any person’s inability to handle varying degrees of disagreement within a marriage and as a result the person shuts down, emotionally, communicatively or physically removing themselves from the situation all together, in some instances all three may take place.

Personally, the moment a marital issue was out of my control, I went into fleeing mode. My mind and actions would say, “I can’t control this and it’s not working the out.” In actuality, I was saying, “I can’t control my wife and she’s not acting the way I want her too…I want to her act like me and see things my way.” I believe that most people would love their spouse to see eye to eye with on every marital situation however, this is unrealistic.

Over the next couple of years I realized that, “God had given my wife a brain and wisdom.” But, there was something deeper at work. What was the root of my fleeing mentality? Where did this come from? Why do I revert to this mentality when trouble starts? I want to outline three quick points related to the fleeing mentality and you can let me know if you agree with them or not.

Dating Scene

Like most men, before I was married, I was heavy into the dating scene. In this scene there are several things that take place which could detrimental for most men when they enter a marriage. While dating someone:

1. I could leave a relationship anytime I felt like
2. I did not have to commit emotionally
3. I had a variety of other women I could date at the same time
4. My decisions were mine and affected only me.

As a result, these ideologies can become embedded into your persona and become a part of your thinking process. In many cases it may require a significant amount of time to change this behavior pattern, in other cases the timeline may be shorter. However, these issues are real and men need to make a conscious effort to address them before and during the marriage.

Increased Level of Responsibility

As a single guy, I had a measure of responsibility. But that responsibility started and ended with me. In a marriage, all of my decisions from the smallest to the largest affect other people. Thus, while single, my decisions were not compounded by the possible repercussion of others. This increased level of responsibility caused me some trepidation, as I felt the need to ensure that every decision was the right one. However, as you well know, not every decision renders the perfect results. The truth is “Two are better than one . . . and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” I needed to seek the counsel of my wife for various decisions and even get this, surrender my entrenched position, when a better one was presented. What a novel idea, huh.

Fleeing Overview

(1) Fleeing does not require any work. It’s easy for me to pack up my stuff, get another home and start fresh.

(2) Fleeing does not require introspection.

(3) Fleeing allows us to relinquish responsibility.

(4) Fleeing disconnects us emotionally.

So what do we do husbands? I think we should:
• Seek assistance the counsel of others
• Practice the art of self-sacrifice and humility.

I know it doesn’t sound glamorous and “Dr. Phil-ish”, but these are the things I have seen work in the lives of other men and their marriages and even in mine, when I practice them consistently.

Be encouraged, you are a “Hero In The Making”