Speaking the same language June 14, 2007

I came across this article from Focus on the Family.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language

Are men and women really from different planets? 

Men tend to use language to transmit informatoin, report facts, fix problems, clarify status, and establish control.  Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy, cooperation, and stronger or richer relationships rather than competition.  In other words, it’s debate vs. relate.

Try making it your goal not to change your spouse but to adapter to his or her style of communication.  Make a date with each other once a week to try a communication exercise.  For example, the wife talks for 10 minutes about feelings or issues she has; the husbands does nothing but listen.  He may respond only with “I don’t understand; could you restate that?” or “What I hear you saying is …”

Then he talks for 10 minutes and she listens.  She can ask only for clarification or affirmation that she is hearing him accurately.

At the end of the exercise, neither of you is allowed to try to “straigthen the other one out” or debate the issue.

This is not a hopeless situation.  In fact, compared to many marital conflicts, it can quickly and remarkably improve.

As a guy, it takes a lot of work for me to listen to my wife. 

It never fails…she wants to talk while I am in the middle of doing something – working on my computer, reading, or watching TV.  My natural inclination is to split my time between listening to her and continuing what I’m doing.  After all, since she interrupted me it’s my right to keep doing what I was doing.

If only it was that easy.  It has taken me a long time to realize the significance of the way that I handle these situations.  Whenever I timeshare my attention between my wife and whatever I’m doing, I discovered that I was communicating to her that what she was saying was unimportant to me.  On the other hand, I let her know in no uncertain terms how valuable she is to me when I turn away from the computer, put down the book, or shut off the TV to intently listen to her.  This simple decision breathes so much life into her.

The other lesson I’ve learned in communicating with my wife is that it is not my job to solve problems.  It’s our nature as men to want to fix things.  Yet most times that my wife wants to share what’s happening in her life, she only wants me to listen.  What’s the logic in that, you ask?  There is none and that’s ok.  When she needs my help, she asks for it.  So now I just listen. 

The cool thing is that listening has become easier for me now that I no longer feel the pressure to solve any problems.  All I do is take in what she’s saying without any ownership to do something about it.

Take your listening to a new level.  Be willing to stop what you are doing, listen, and hold off your advice.  You will be surprised with the results.