I am reading “For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women” in preparation for our upcoming radio segment with one of the authors, Jeff Feldhahn.  (Listen to the segment live on Tuesday June 19 at 9:00 PM @ www.blogtalkradio.com/byhusbandsforhusbands).  One of the things that Jeff and his wife, Shaunti, discovered through their research of over 3,000 women is that there is something in a woman that desires to be reassured that their husband really loves them.  It’s like a tape that plays in their heads that keeps repeating the question “Does he really love me?”.

My natural reaction to this need that my wife had was to be callous.  I viewed it as her problem that she needed to be constantly reassured.  Since it was her problem, she had to figure out how to get over it.

Then about 7 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of being a transparent person.  The principle behind transparency is simply this – making a conscious decision to share something that I can easily keep to myself with someone that I trust.  When I first learned the concept, I did not think it was practical or realistic.  At that point in time, there were lots of undercurrents in my marriage and I could not imagine honestly telling my wife the things that were going through my head or that I was doing.  The only outcome that I could forsee was more conflict.

Then I learned the key to unlocking transparency.  The biggest barriers to overcome with transparency are the fear of shame, the fear of guilt, the fear of condemnation, and the fear of judgement.  Questions like “What are they going to think of me when they hear this?” and ”How will people treat me if they know this about me?” dominate our thinking.  Once I learned that there was a way to receive forgiveness for my past, present, and future sins (many call them mistakes), and that upon receiving that forgiveness all those sins are no longer counted against me, I started on the road to freedom from those 4 fears.

The next step was to embrace my forgiven state.  In other words, I had to stop beating myself up each time I blew it, and remember that I was already forgiven. 

I had to learn to accept God’s unconditional love which was the the source of the opportunity for me to be forgiven.  God’s love for me surpasses my natural understanding.  No matter how hard I try, my love still has conditions to it.  I am naturally more loving to my wife when she acts in an affirming and loving way than when she doesn’t.  On the other hand, God’s love for me is consistent regardless of how unlovable I am behaving.

Accepting His unconditional love allows me to combat those voices of fear.  Each time guilt or shame try to creep in, I remind myself that God does not consider me guilty and He is not ashamed of me.  I actually picture Him bragging to angels about me like a proud papa.  When fear of condemnation and fear of judgement come knocking, I remember that I have already been forgiven so there is now therefore no more condemnation for me.

Overcoming those fears opened the door to transparency.  For example, I struggled for several years with pornography.  I made a decision to put it aside and to no longer engage in it, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been “porn-free” for several years now.  How am I able to stay clear of something that had such a visceral attraction for me?  Through transparency with my wife.

Here is an example of how I am transparent with my wife.  Several years ago I was on a business trip in Spain.  Those who have traveled to Europe know that the standards for what can be shown on television are vastly different than they are here.  Things that are considered soft porn in the US are regularly shown on TV there.  One evening while killing time in my hotel room, I was scanning the channels.  I came upon a channel that was showing porn.  Instead of moving past the channel, I camped out for a while.  Finally, the spell broke as I came to my senses and I called the hotel to ask them to turn off the adult channel. 

Now I had a decision to make.  I was thousands of miles from home and the hotel bill would only be marked “movie” so there was no way for my wife to know what I had done.  Do I keep it a secret or do I call her and tell her?

I chose the latter.  I called my wife and explained the situation.  After quietly listening to me, the first words she spoke were “Thank You!”.  She gratefully thanked me for not keeping my actions in the dark and told me how it made her feel secure to know that I would not do something like this without telling her.

This was my first lesson in the effect that transparency has on my wife’s feeling of security.  The knowledge that I would not keep any dark secrets helped her to deal with that tape in her head.  She is comforted by knowing that I love her because I am choosing not to keep anything hidden from her.

Transparency is a powerful principle to apply in our married lives.  Try taking the steps I outlined above and move towards transparency.  Let me know how it goes.

See the video – Hero Thought: Transparent